Life with Saren
Introduction For a long time, I went on with these events ingrained in my head. Here’s how it all began. My name is Silas Bianchi. I’m a genetic Lycan living on the Terra Nova colony. I was browsing the extranet when I received an email from a friend of mine serving the Citadel Council. He had recently been assigned to work for their branch on Noveria. Since he left, his apartment on the Citadel was left open. I was ridiculously hated here in my neighborhood. The only catch was that I would be living with a psychotic Turian Spectre named Saren Arterius. What could possibly go wrong? Episode 1: Pilot The Hannar incident wasn’t the first instance of Saren misuseing my blender. Only the most recent after the tennis ball lemonade incident I bought a Blend-tec so I wouldn’t have to worry about him setting fire to my kitchen again. It all happened like this. This was the day after I first moved in, I was working on a resume to ExoGeni when Saren asked me what a good way to show his appreation and understanding of human culture to the humans in our building while making credits. I told him “Saren make a lemonade stand whenever people see lemonade stands they go crazy. And buy like four gallons of it.” Of course Saren then asked “what’s lemonade?” “it’s a drink made from lemon juice, which if you must ask is a yellow fruit shaped like a ball.” Saren gave me a quick “ok” and ran off. I later heard him yell “Silas how do I get the juice out of the lemons?” I stupidly responded “put them in the blender! Now leave me alone” now by now I hope you know that I meant juicer not blender. But Saren either by innocence or idiocy or a combination of the two thought I meant blender. A few minets later I smelled smoke. I got up to investigate. There was a fire in my kitchen that was spreading rapidly. I yelled at Saren “What did you do Saren?” “I put the lemons in the blender like you said” “We don’t have any lemons” I yelled “Yes we do in the hall closet in the clear plastic cans” This was very bad “Lemons don’t come in cans Saren!” I shreaked my voice barely going over the sound of the smoke alarm “Yes they do the can that said “willson” on them” “Those are tennis balls Saren tennis balls are different from lemons!” “look lets just put the fire out then you can explain to me the difference” so Saren chucked a cryo grenade into the inferno. Jets of Freon splashed throughout the beautiful kitchen, that’s going to be expensive I thought. And as if that wasn’t enough the glass in our panoramic window overlooking the park shattered and 4 firefighters jumped in one Turian the other 3 Asari jumped in through from the gapeing holes where our windows used to be. They all were carrying on their backs hat looked like oversized fire extinguishers. And were all dressed in traditional yellow and red reflective enviro-suits. We stood there for a whil just stareing at eachother then one of the asari spoke. “we heard there was a fire” Saren looked at me, then at the frozen remains of our charred kitchen and said “nope no fire.” “yeah right” I blurted out and the Turian firefighter shot me a dirty look “what do you mean by that?” he said Now the citadel charges you if the fire department has to come to your house for a fire you created in the first place. So I then proceded to tell them an elaborite lie of how our smoke detectors were broken nd the smell of smoke was because we had a fire burning in the fireplace, only we don’t have a fireplace which may have been the reason that the Turian cut me off walked up to me and said, well then that’s a false alarm, I could take you bolth to jail but im feeling nice so he turned on his Omni-tool and charged me 50,000 credits, ME the one who was innocently minding his own business while his idiot Turian friend set fire to his kitchen. The firefighters left leaving me and Saren in the ruins of our penthouse apartment. The kitchen still needed to thaw and I needed to take a nap and forget this hopefully it would be over by the time I woke up. Just another typical day in my life with Saren. Episode 2: Don’t let me go The events of the next week were uneventeful save for one small incident where my blender caught fire. Untill I had this dream. The dream itself was quite weird. But what happened when I woke up was even weirder. I was in college and it was senior prank day. We were putting wax on the dean’s car windows so he wouldn’t see anything. It quickly turned into a red sand hallucination in which pink garden gnomes with fairy wings belted me with baguettes. And one started choking me and started dragging me across the field. That’s when I woke up. Suddenly I felt a tight grip on my neck. My eyes shot open and I was suddenly aware. My heart was pounding and I found I could barely breathe. Saren had his fingers wrapped around my neck and was dragging me throughout the living room holding a pistol in the other hand. He dragged me up to the balcony and held me over the edge 1000 stories high. His eyes were closed. And I heard him yell as I almost fainted from lack of breath. “I’ll kill you I’ll kill you!” He yelled, He was pointing his pistol above me. Now I know for a fact even in this state that if Saren wanted to kill me the gun would be aimed at me not at an angle above my head. He must be sleepwalking I thought. So I did what I had to do to wake him up. I kicked as hard as I could towards his groin. It hit. And he suddenly awoke with a jerk and his palm flew open dropping me. I fell for ten seconds of at least it felt longer. The sensation was quite like weightlessness. Then I thought I might die. So I reached out my arms and grabbed the balcony of another apartment. My left shoulder popped and I thought it was broken it hurt like hell. But I held on. I heard his voice “Silas if you can hear me say something!” “You moron first you attack me in your sleep then you drop me 30 stories off the balcony when you wake up!” I yelled. “What time is it anyway? “ Saren yelled back “13:22 am, you want me to get a grappling hook?” “Aren’t you a biotic” I responded “Yes but it has range limits. I’ll go get the grappling hook.” So he went back inside and I hung there for a minute, then five, then an hour rolled by, and then two more. By which time my arms felt like they were going to fall off, that’s when the thought occurred to me he’s not coming back is he? He’s probably passed out on the sofa. So I did what I could I started screaming and shouting in an attempt to wake up whoever was in the apartment I was hanging on to, or the citadel fire department, Of course in this city when you hear someone screaming at 3:00 am your first instinct is to ignore whatever you are hearing and hope someone else will deal with it. And this isn’t just at night the people in this city won’t pay attention from their (supposedly) busy lives for anything; I mean what it is going to take; a three mile long dreadnaught attacking this station before anyone gives a shit But soon enough by the time my voice was exhausted. A Krogan wearing a pink bathrobe and a varren at his feet sleepily lumbered out of the apartment, and onto the balcony. The look on his face was a mixture of surprise and one of those: What the fuck are you doing in my house? looks. Now when a werewolf is hanging off you balcony at 3 am your first instinct is to walk away. I decided that this would be a good time to be quiet and let him ask the questions. “You Saren’s new roomy?” He asked. I was stunned how did he know? “How did yo-“ “This has happened before every time he gets a new roommate he claims he’s sleepwalking and dose something horrible to them on the first night, Damned Spectre.” “Dose he always drop them off his balcony?” I responded “Yeah sort of anyway, it always ends in them hanging off of someone’s balcony.” That was a bit of shocking information, but I needed to get up on the balcony so my arms can rest “Hey can you help me out here give me a hand?” “Oh, sorry, I just got so caught up in talking here let me get you a bottle of water you must be tired.” He helped me up onto the balcony and invited me inside. “By the way, be quiet. The kids are sleeping.” The living room was small but big enough for two people. Lucky, I thought most Krogan are sterile. He returned later with a bottle of water and a two pound hunk of chocolate. “Every time Saren gets a new roommate the management sends us all emails tellin’ us to be nice to whoever winds up on our balconies.” The Krogan paused “Oh I forgot to introduce myself I’m J-Arod and my varren here is Mr. Flufel-lump” “So what else has happened to Saren’s roommates?” I asked. J-Arod cleared his throat and began, “Well his last roommate Qirex woke up upside down on the 20th floor suspended by dental floss it’s a good thing it got caught on the flagpole or he would be dead.” I was shocked “that’s horrible, now I see why he left, why didn’t he sue him?” The question was stupid I knew the answer “Specters are above the law.” J-Arod said, “Say wouldn’t you like some chocolate straight from that earth company you earthlings like so much. Err… Cabdurbys I think?” “Cadbury’s I responded, “Thanks but no I ever since I became a genetic lycan I can’t eat chocolate, I’ll die if I do.” “More for me” And with that J-Arod threw the two pound block of chocolate into his mouth and ate it in a single bite. “You poor thing it’s really good” he said when he was done “So what’s a lycan anyway, some kind of dog-man thing?” Eager to explain my condition I told him, “A lycan is a creature from earth’s past. It was rumored to exist as a human during the day. But at night, under the full moon, they would undergo a violent transformation into a creature that is half man and half wolf. If it bites you then you become a lycan during the next full moon. They could only be killed by silver bullets. Most never got close enough, though. It’s supposed to strike fear into the hearts of anyone.” “I’ve seen some weird stuff in my work, even on this station alone, I mean just yesterday I saw a Salarian get pulled over for Driving Under the Influence, Can you imagine a drunk Salarian?”J-Arod spoke with a chuckle as if he had actually seen this. “I’d rather not” which I really didn’t want to Salarians were very hyper on their own. Drunk I’d hate to see that. I stood up and shook his hand “Thank you for your hospitality, I think I wasted enough of your time. You should get some sleep, oh and I’m sorry I woke you up.” He responded with a smile “No problem. Come back anytime” He gave me his email address and told me to watch out for myself. And I walked out the door, into the hallway that smelled like the lavender cleaning product that the apartment used for the rugs. And thinking; Wow are all Krogan that nice?   Episode 3: Nobody likes a Twihard I got back to the apartment and saw a pile of dead bodies by the door. “What happened here?” I asked Saren. “There are two dead humans two batarians and oh my god is that a dead hanar?” “I lost an early-morning poker game.” From this alone, I could tell that Saren had some heavy issues. “Hanar don’t gamble, so why did you kill it?” “They just tick me off.” He said. “What would you have won?” I asked, horrified what the answer might be. “Three credits and a Hahne-Kedar Kessler pistol.” “You killed five sentient beings over three credits and a P.O.S. Kessler pistol that you could find anywhere? Are you absolutely out of your mind?” I asked. Before Saren could answer, there was a knock on the door. A woman’s voice said “Saren, darling, open the door”. I walked slowly towards the door and hit the open button. Standing in front of me was an Asari Matriarch in a ceremonial dress. She looked at me with widened and eyes and a look on her face of genuine surprise. “Oh my god, it’s Jacob!” she yelled. She drew me into a full embrace and started scratching me between the ears. Part of me was soothed by this, but another part found it degrading. “I’m not who you think I am. Let me go.” I yelled. “I’m Silas Bianchi, Saren’s new roommate. I’m a genetic lycan. This is exactly why I hate Twilight fans.” Benezia let me go and stopped scratching me. “Saren, is there a reason that she’s here?” I asked. “Actually, I’m taking the two of you to the movies. We’ll head off to the Citadel Multiplex. Benezia will pay for snacks-“ “Oh and there’s a great vegan resturant down the street from there” Benezia interjected. “What movie do you want to see? The Da Vinci Code is awesome for its day.” “Independence Day.” Saren answered. “I think my cousin was in it.” “Keep in mind, that movie was made before we ever knew you people existed.” I said foolishly. Saren looked at me angrily and asked, “What do you mean by ‘you people’?” “I meant before we knew that the Turians were out there.” So to settle our argument I decided that there was only one way. “There’s only one way to settle this.” I said. “Let’s draw straws.” I pulled out three straws and cut them with my claw. Mixed them up in my hand and offered them to Benezia. She pulled out the first one, then Saren pulled and I was left with the last one. We compared the straws and Benezia’s was the longest. There was a moment of silence as Saren and I took the time to remember that Asari matriarchs could tell the future. I asked her though I didn’t need to be an Asari Matriarch to know the answer “what movie do you want to see?” And she smirked and said “Twilight”.   Episode 4: Eat your veggies “Well that was…bad” I said as we exited the theatre. “ That wasn’t just bad.” Benezia responded “That was a goddamn disaster. What were you thinking throwing popcorn Saren?” "I wasn’t the one throwing the popcorn… at first. The volus behind me gave me the idiea. At least I wasn’t yelling at me to stop." “I was trying to stop you from throwing popcorn at the screen. It’s disrespectful” Benezia exclaimed. I could not contain my laughter anymore, “and when you turned around, Saren, you spilled popcorn on the Krogan next to you, and he punched you in the eye. Then calmly returned to his seat like nothing happened." “Hey that hurt” Saren whined “Hey it wasn’t until the usher came up to you an wacked you on the head for yelling that you screamed like a little girl.” Benezia said with a smirk “Is the knot that noticeable?” Saren asked I took a look at the baseball-sized knot on the back of Saren’s head. “No you look fine" I said. “Where were you half the movie?” Benezia asked me “Bathroom” “For 45 minutes?” she asked “It was the only place I could eat my food in peace without being harassed by the crazy Twihards (twilight fans)." “Speaking of food I’m hungry.” commented Saren. “Remember that vegan restaurant that we saw in that Citadel Zagat book?” Benezia asked. We both uneasily shook our heads, “well I for one love vegan food” I tried to interject, because lycans are carnivores, so a vegan restaurant is well… Not my cup of tea. Not that I like tea anyway. I said “But-“ and was immediately cut off by Saren “It is polite to let the lady choose where to eat dinner, I’m sure it will be great Benezia, I’d love to go there” Many minutes later after a long uncomfortable subway ride next to a homeless Turian and a wasted Salarian cultist proclaiming that to achieve the enlightenment of his obscure God you must “consume massive amounts of the purest beer (i.e. Red Wolf) .” Which I have tried and despite the name I am not a big fan. The subway train pulled into the station in the presidium, and we all exited. We walked for a while and eventually came to a charming looking square building made out of bamboo. The interior was simple and well lit with about fourteen tables and a bar in the back corner. The restaurant was apparently owned by Krogan in Tye-die tuxedos. That was just about as odd as the Salarian on the subway. God there really are a lot of weirdo’s in this city. We sat down and got our menus I ordered a papaya salad, Benezia decided on the toferky, and Saren was despret to get some meat, “I can’t eat any of this shit there’s no meet! I’m a Turian and a MAN I don’t eat sissy veggies!” Saren yelled at the top of his voice. And the whole place was quiet as a church. “Saren I told you this was a Vegan restaurant, there’s no meat” Benezia said discretely And Saren yelled again this time standing up and waving his arms “I thought that was some fancy way of preparing varren, Not some shitty no meat joint, you might just leave a sign on the door that reads, no good food!” Unfortunately, due to Saren’s subtleness, (or lack thereof) A Krogan with a purple crest in chef’s was staring at Saren with a look of utter hurt on his face, if Krogan could cry this one would have been sobbing. He walked up to Saren pushed his hat into his hands and yelled “You think you can do a better job than me, I’d like to see you try-“ “You may want to be careful he’s a Spectre he can have you arrested” Benezia interrupted “No, no Benezia, I’m fine I won’t stoop to this idiot’s level I can co-“ And with that the Krogan punched him in the face. And said “Get out” Benezia and Saren hustled out of the restaurant and I was just about to leave when the chef spoke to me. “Hey you, Man, dog, thing are you going to pay for this?” I loked at him like he was crazy and finaly came to the conclusion that he was serious. “Fine I guess, how much?” “Eight thousand” he said with a scowl on his face. Now I was pissed. The Food had only cost forty five credits plus tip, “That seems to be a bit much?” “No forty five for the food and wit tip and 7955 for your friend insulting my restaurant, do you know why I do this? I do it because I don’t belive in killing innocent animals. And my food is good.” Said the Krogan I was in agreement with him Saren was out of line. And I was still hungry. “So can I get the papaya salad to go?” I asked “That costs an extra 30 credits dog man.” I decided against it so I payed the credits with my omni tool and went outside to join Saren and Benezia outside. “That was worse than the movie.” Benezia stated “And I am still hungry” “So McDonalds then”. Said Saren “How is it that humanity was able to bring in a Four Seasons And a McDonalds?” I exclaimed “We’ve been in contact since roswell the American CIA kept it quiet though, Benezia was a regular at the Bermuda triangle alien resort, she still keeps a lot of that stuff in my closet though.” said Saren while looking at Benezia “That explains a lot, the stuff I found in your closet, the disappearing ships and planes, high taxes. Hey how did she get the Michal Jackson album on laser-disc much less? That’s like impossible to get.”   Episode 5: Yeah really... We walked a bit more until we came to an open air McDonalds stand on street There was pretty much no line except for a fat lady and the Turian bum I had seen earlier in the subway. Saren immediately walked up to the fat human woman and politely asked her “Are you pregnant ma’am?”The woman immediately turned around and looked him in the eye and said “You jerk. I’m trying to watch my weight!” “Well it’s not going anywhere, so don’t worry.” And with that Saren jumped the line while the woman proceeded to walk away. Saren walked up to the counter and motioned for us to join him. I followed as did Benezia both of us feeling embarrassed to be with Saren, which was not a new feeling. The server at the counter was a Bluish-Brown Salarian. He spoke into the microphone and said. “Hello welcome to McDonalds My name is Morlan we have much good food yes?” Only it sounded like “helowelkometomcdobnaldwhvemchgoodfoodess” because he was speaking so fast, most Salarians do that. “What did he say?” Benezia asked “I’ve talked with a lot of Salarians when I was in the alliance, ill handle this.” I said. I walked up to the counter and placed my order for a Big-Mac and coke with a side of fries. Saren had varren (what a surprise), this time in Mcnugget form. And then it was Benezia’s turn to order, she decided on a Mac Snak wrap and coke. She approached the counter and said “I’ll have a Mac Snak wrap and coke, actually maybe the mc nuggets I am very hungry, or maybe I’ll get the chicken salad, oh no that has too many calories. But then again so do all the other things, screw that I’ll have a big mac, No no that’s not on my Diet. Not that I’m fat. Do I look fat Morlan?” After about forty five minutes of this she decided on her order and it was a Mac Snack wrap and coke. Morlan then proceeded to ask “diet or regular?” but before she could respond Saren interrupted and said “She wants regular”   Episode 6: Here kitty, kitty… We ate our meal sitting on a public bench admiring the cityscape, it was then that Benezia’s cell phone rang. She picked it up and said “ Hello... No… The food is in the freezer… No I can’t come there and cook it for you… You have your own credits you can order sushi… oh that’s right I forgot you’re allergic to shellfish… Fine I’ll come but just remember not going to be around forever little wing” Then to us she said “I have to go... feed my cat” “Your cat called you?” I asked “Yes and now I have to go feed her” I suddenly wanted to see what this was about, plus I love cats (no I really like them. they’re cute and fuzzy) “Can we come?” I asked “Yes but Saren Has to wait outside. She hates Turians.” She said I didn’t buy this but Saren apparently did. We walked again for I don’t know how long until we came to a rather large mansion. “This is one of my smaller residencies” Which got me thinking: what do her larger ones look like? She opened the door and I walked in. The house had a long hallway leading from the door to a large sitting room with a green couch. “I’m going to cook your dinner little wing, you just wait in the living room.” To me she said “Keep my daughter entertained, and don’t try anything funny.” I walked into the living room that had a long spiral staircase leading up to the second floor. As I sat down a blue Asari wearing a black belly shirt and shorts descended the staircase. She looked at me and smiled. “Oh how cute, you look just like Jacob!” Again I don’t like twilight fans at all but this one was cute so I decided to ignore this. “My name’s Silas” “you mean like that albino monk from the Da Vinci Code?” “My great grandfather was Dan Brown.” “that’s cool” she said seweetly, she was inches away from me with her hand on my knee, I brushed her hand off gently as not to offend her. “oops, where are my manners?”(good question) “I’m Liara T’soni. Silas… Silas, oh that’s right you’re Saren, my mom’s boyfriend’s roommate right?” I nodded “you are eighteen, right?” she asked I felt strangely uncomfortable, and wasn’t sure what this girl was going to do to me. Not that she wasn’t cute and all but this had the potential to get me in trouble. So I told the Truth “I’m Nineteen actually.” “Good” she said by this time this girl was practically in my lap now that’s when I tried to explain that this wasn’t a good idea. She kissed me on the muzzle, and it was then that Benezia walked in “Liara T’soni there was plenty of food on this house…” then she saw us.”What are you two doing?” she asked I tried to explain “Hey. She came on to me!” She looked at me “Liara T’Soni, Go to your room.” She said. Her anger, tangible in the atmosphere of the room, scared me enough to get out. As I left, I looked back and saw Liara waving at me from the top of the stairs. Her smile seemed to say “haha, you’re in trouble.” I could not contain myself anymore. “It was her, all her, she sat in my lap and violated my territorial bubble!” but that didn’t seem to help. Liara snickered harder and Benezia picked up a piano using her biotics “Out and stay away from my daughter!” she yelled the piano flew towards me and I ran for the door. I barely made it slamming the door behind me just as I heard the piano crashing into the wall. I stood there panting, not believing what had just happened. “Piano?” Saren asked. “What did you do, scuff her shoe?” “That is not relevant your girlfriend is a psycho!” I said “You want to discuss this over pizza, you’re buying it” suggested Saren “Sounds good.”I said looking back at the door thinking of Liara, I would very much like to deny it but I felt something for her. And no not just in THAT way…   Category:Fan Fiction Category:Comedy